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I Said No To A Boyfriend But He Didn't Stop

Discussion in 'Discuss Sexual Abuse' started by Heather, Jun 11, 2011.

  1. I had a bofriend in my late 20's that I dated for almost 2 years. One night we were in his kitchen and he just walked over to me turned me around, pulled my pants down and entered me from behind. I said, "no". He didn't listen to me. He said, "a no from you means yes". I didn't want to do it. I went along with it. Giving him sex like I always did.

    I don't consider this a rape or an assault. What bothers me about this is that I wasn't listened to by him. I allowed myself to be treated like an object and a piece of sh*t because I didn't think I deserved anything better.

    A lot of the relationship he treated me like crap and I took it. I feel like an idiot for putting up with it. Especially the verbal abuse. He even went so far as to tell me I wasn't worth anything and after that I still stayed with him. I caught him cheating on me and yet again I stayed.
  2. Nicolette

    Nicolette Here In Spirit

    I had a boyfriend who I had asked to leave. He asked me to have sex for "old times sake - one last time". I said no but he took me into the bedroom with force. It's the first time I can recall disassociating as I could hear everything that was said in the room but I felt like I was outside the door staring into darkness. It was also grosse as he was talking about animals etc too which he had never done before.

    Previously, at some stage earlier on (in days) he came home stoned (I didn't and don't smoke drugs) hours late for lunch with his family. He strangled me for telling him off and I had to go to work trying to hide the bruises on my neck.
  3. Nicolette

    Nicolette Here In Spirit

    Heather IMHO this is rape if you said No. It was non consentual sex which you clearly defined to your boyfriend by saying No.

    I hope that you now think you deserve better and you wont let anyone treat you like an object or piece of sh*t as you are a lovely person who deserves the best. That aside saying No to sex and being forced to have it is not being treated like an object, a piece of sh*t or deserved; IMHO it still constitutes 'rape'. I think you should allow this boyfriend some responsibility for his wrong doing rather than placing all the blame on yourself. :hug:
    Hlost, sqweak, Nyx and 1 other person like this.
  4. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Administrator Staff Member

    Well said Nicolette

    Heather, he raped you. You said no. That's his responsibility and his blame. Not your fault. He was also frequently verbally abusive to you, so I have no doubt that you were too scared of him to fight back, which would be a completely normal and understandable response from you.

    I'm glad you are no longer in that relationship. You do deserve a million times better than that dirtbag.

    I'm also sorry to hear what happened to you Nicolette. Another low life piece of scum. May they both rot in hell

    :hug::hug: hugs to both of you.
    Hlost and Nyx like this.
  5. Nicolette I'm so, so sorry that happened to you!
    That is true, I did say no but I only said it once then I just allowed him to have his way. I didn't say anything after that. I just went along with it.
  6. Sounds to me like your survival instinct kicked in and you "knew" it would only cause you more pain to fight him. I hope you don't blame yourself for "going along with it" because that is nothing more than a big guilt trap....I speak from experience about this one.

    sending you healing hugs :hug:
    LH
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  7. OMG - Lionheart when you quote it just like that -- take it out context -- it sounds really, really, bad. Looks really, really bad. And yet I have to remind myself that those are my OWN words!!! YIKES.
    muzikluvr likes this.
  8. (((Heather))) I didn't mean to do or say anything to upset you!!!:(
  9. No, you didn't! What you did, was made me realize the situation for what it was and how bad he really did treat me for all the time we were together.
    muzikluvr and Lionheart777 like this.
  10. Heather, when reality hits like this that's when the walls of denial comes down. How many times do we have to say NO before No means No????

    Sometimes hearing it come from someone else is just what we need to realize the seriousness of the situation and just what happened to us. Rape is a serious thing but it's not sex it's the ripping the of another person's power away and demeaning them, it's internal devastation and it can have lifetime scars.

    (((((((((gentle recovering hugs))))))))))))
    HLost
    muzikluvr likes this.
  11. I know what you're saying.....but I remember my body enjoying what he did. Even if my mind didn't. Does that change the scenario? I still don't think it was rape. I'm not sure what it was.

    Other than the fact that I said, "no" and I didn't want him to. Maybe if I had protested more he would have stopped. Idk. He was very verbally abusive to me.
  12. Hi Heather,

    I've been in situations where I never got chance to say NO because my head had already gone somewhere else. In a lot of ways (especially legally) it would never be seen as rape or abuse. But now I'm going through therapy, I'm realising that morally, it was. I find it hard to believe that any of them never knew I wasn't there mentally and if they were decent, they would have stopped.

    My husband was the first person to do this and he did stop straight away. He just knew that something wasn't right.

    It's so sad to think that people like them can see the obvious problems and take advantage. They percieved it as a weakness and we became a piece of meat, when really we were surviving.
  13. Yes yes YES!! This is THE hardest thing to explain to people when they ask me why I never prosecuted him. I did this a few times, after a certain point of abuse. This would've surely caused me grief, anger and strife in a courtroom. I coudn't imagine the flashback-esque meltdown that would ensue.
    leanne1321 and muzikluvr like this.
  14. Brucielucy

    Brucielucy I am Worth Something!! Staff Member

    This is a really tough one, but makes no difference. Your body responds. It is reflex, natural reactions. You cannot stop it, and just makes the guilt and memory even harder to bear. But it does not make it any less of a rape.
  15. IMHO this is another perfect example of what happens after sexual abuse and rape. It effects us so deep down that we lose our self respect and self worth. It's sort of like we convince ourselves that were good for nothing else and almost like we want to be abused until we finally get that strength to break out of the cycle. But it still takes a long time and hard work to get to a point where you feel not to blame.

    Heather, I'm sure if someone else had posted this, you would be telling them that it was rape. Maybe it feels better for you to tell yourself that it wasn't as there's already alot that you need to deal with.

    Even if you didn't say no, your body language would have told him you didn't want to and still he did it and there's no way he can justify it.
    Heather and Lionheart777 like this.
  16. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Administrator Staff Member

    This is an exert from My Story <very graphic warning>

    Heather, I know I'm not saying much here, other than offering you quotes, from this site... from survivors.
    I had an orgasm. Was I raped? Read that first paragraph from My Story quote again. (And yes it is an actual quote from my story but it is missing the start of the story etc, so it might be considered, taken out of context from the rest of My Story.) Did I say no? Does that one paragraph actually sound like rape? I included the next couple of sentences to the quote, to put it back into context.

    I had an orgasm. Was I raped? Absolutely!! That bastard raped and humiliated me in every way imaginable. My body may have responded in the way it is chemically wired to do, but that doesn't mean I wasn't raped.

    Now apply that to your situation. Bearing in mind...
    Were you raped?

    I didn't alter My Story from the original at all, but just a small quote can take things out of context. And I think our brains do this to us too. And especially when we are depressed or down, it can skew our thinking.

    It's the opposite end to those annoying people who screw up big time, yet never acknowledge that they made a mistake, and never stop thinking how great great they are!!

    Back to basics - you said no, he did it anyway - that is rape.
    leanne1321 likes this.
  17. Yes, CB it was rape.
    cherryblossom and leanne1321 like this.
  18. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Administrator Staff Member

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