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A Long Story Perhaps...

Discussion in 'Your Story' started by JaneDoe, Nov 21, 2013.

  1. I shared my story in part when I introduced myself, but I feel that in order to truly feel comfortable here, I must truly tell it.

    I was a low risk child.

    By that, I mean I was raised in a two parent household with a stable income. I was homeschooled from Kindergarten on, and rarely went anywhere without my mother.

    Be that as it may, I encountered my first abuser when I was just six.

    He was a 17 year old who attended the church I was raised in at the time.

    It was a summer day, and the church was holding a picnic at a church members farm. I was playing and he joined in, chasing a few of us young kids around, teasing us. Harmless fun....
    Soon, he 'caught' me, and took me behind a tree and began to hug, rub and wrap his legs around me from behind.
    He then asked if I'd like to go see the horses.

    There was a barn about 200 yards away from the rest of the gathering, and I consented. My parents were scared of horses and we didn't have the money to get me horse backing riding lessons, although that was always a deep desire for me.

    We walked in, and I immediately realized that there were no horses.

    I think he told me they must be in the field - being the innocent, trusting child I was, I believed him without question.

    He got me to sit down and talk to him. Then he began to kiss me, assuring me that this was how friends 'showed they cared about each other'. The kissing quickly escalated and I became scared.

    I froze, and by the time I realized that this was a bad situation, he was already raping me. I remember just trying to pretend that I was in a castle with a knight taking care of me and lavishing me with diamonds and gifts.
    I have fallen back on this coping mechanism in one way or another quite often over the last 17 years.

    I remember the utter pain, humiliation and confusion coursing through my body after that.

    I fought to forget, and eventually, I guess I did on some level.

    About one year later, I was visiting a close family friend who also lived on a farm [I hate farms, two of my assaults occurred on them].
    The friend - we'll call her Kate - was planning a barbecue and my sisters, her granddaughter and I had spent the night in the 'granddaughters bedroom' the night before.

    I remember going up there, I believe to change clothing before the festivities began.

    A man, who I believe may have worked on the farm, though his face is pitch black in my memory so I may never be certain who he was, appeared. Whether or not he was already lurking in the shadows before I arrived or he came up the stairs, I cannot remember.

    He walked toward me, and I remember an indescribable terror - I could already sense danger before he said or did a word.

    He pinned me against the side of the bed and I started to scream. I remember that he grabbed my throat and clamped his hand over my mouth, telling me to shut up.

    This time was worse than the first, and he was not nearly as 'sweet' as the first one.

    I remember wanting to run, far far away to a land where men did not hurt little girls in their private place, and daddies were there to stop it if they tried.

    But I was frozen and my father wasn't there. So I was raped, and once again, told no one. I made myself forget this assault as well.

    I remember always feeling angry and miserable after this assault. If the first one was bad, this one was a living hell.

    Fast forward to age 21: I was living in an apartment with my older sister and life had moved forward. I had not entered therapy for my previous assaults, but I had made progress. I had made friends and was trying to learn how to trust again.
    One evening during a heat wave we invited several people over for a party, which would involve alcohol.

    I only knew a few of the people, but my sister knew most of them.

    At some point in the evening, I felt tired and sick, so I went to my bedroom and laid down. I immediately was comatose. The next morning I awoke with a very familiar feeling.

    I knew that I had, once again, been violated.

    I scrubbed my body for as long as I could, with water reaching almost burning levels.

    Two months later, a pregnancy test that was faulty did not confirm my fears, but what happened a short time later did, when I miscarried.
    I had not been sexually active for a year before that party, and had not had consensual sex at the party.
    I knew in my heart that I had just miscarried a pregnancy borne of rape.

    As strange as it may sound, losing the baby made it worse, somehow. Like even my body felt that I was such a bad person, it wouldn't allow me to carry a child. A child that yes, was 50% genetically a rapist's, but was also 100% mine. I began to believe that I was a bad person, that I had 'violate me' scrawled somewhere where only predators could see.

    I finally entered therapy in August 2012, over a year after the final assault.

    I attended for seven months and was graduated. The biggest mistake I made was not discussing the assault that led to the miscarriage with my therapist.
  2. HI Jane, I am so sorry for what you have been through. It is so horrible. You are very brave for sharing. I hope it helps on some level. There's no judgement here so I hope you feel free to share whatever it is you feel the need to share. We are all survivors here in one way or another and all deserve support and equal treatment in our healing journeys. If you need anything at all, feel free to PM me! :) Oh, and you can always go back to T and discuss your miscarriage if you want to can't you? Or is that not an option? Just wondering. Either way, I support you 100%! Blessings and gentle and safe :hug: if OK.

    Much love and support, your friend, Chantel ♥
    JaneDoe likes this.
  3. cherryblossom

    cherryblossom Administrator Staff Member

    Well done for sharing your story Jane. I hope it helps to be listened to, and heard.

    I hope you don't still think you are a bad person? None of the assaults were your fault. you were not to blame, and I hope you don't think you were.

    You can always go back to therapy to work through the last assault and miscarriage. Even if it's with a different therapist. You already know what a difference therapy has made to your life. Why not complete what you have already started?
    JaneDoe likes this.
  4. Brucielucy

    Brucielucy I am Worth Something!! Staff Member

    Hi Jane,
    I can only echo what the two previous have said. Therapy will help and I would certainly advocate that.
    I am sorry for what you have been through, and hope that in some small way, sharing it on here can make you feel better.
    Regards
    Lucy x
    JaneDoe likes this.
  5. Yes, I could go back to therapy for the latest assault and miscarriage, and I do intend to. It's still pretty fresh, even though it was a couple of years ago.
    I tend to shove extremely traumatic events away until they fester - it's one of the side effects of my PTSD according to my therapist.
    I recently got into a car accident that thankfully did not injure me but totaled the vehicle I was in. When this happened it caused my ptsd to flare up and caused flashbacks about the miscarriage. Because I don't remember the actual assault or it's details, for me the most traumatizing, painful thing about the last assault was the miscarriage.
    Thank you all for your kind words, advice and support. It is very much appreciated.
    cherryblossom likes this.
  6. Brucielucy

    Brucielucy I am Worth Something!! Staff Member

    I understand that, but if it is going to fester it is better to treat it early and prevent the festering.

    It certainly sounds as if the stress of the car accident caused an increase in the PTSD symptoms. I know for me stupid stressors can cause an unrelated rise in symptoms, and it can be totally out of proportion. I find it quite fascinating ( and irritating) how the brain manages to link things together.
  7. I've been in therapy for going on 28 years. It's ok to go back.

    I am so sorry for all you have endured.
    JaneDoe and Brucielucy like this.
  8. I am trying to take back the strength to go back to therapy. Therapy for me [and probably everyone else] is excruciating both physically and mentally. I have to try to pick up some pieces and get back that drive that I had before I went to therapy initially.
    rightkindofme likes this.

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